HOW TO ASCEND LIKE A CHAMP AND STILL MAKE YOUR APPOINTMENTS ON TIME

Listen up, Sovereign Beings and NPCs alike,
because we are about to break the whole goddamn game.

We have been taught—wrongly, might I add—that spiritual awakening
is a serious endeavor. That it requires monastic discipline, a strict diet
of lawn clippings, and a minimum of three decades of
chanting vowels while wearing burlap.

WRONG.

You don’t need to meditate for 40 years.
You don’t need to fast until you merge with the void.
You don’t even need to wear white (but if you do, just know you’re
one good spaghetti meal away from ruining your "divine aesthetic").

The secret to instant ascension is simple:

💥 STOP PRETENDING YOU’RE NOT GOD. 💥

That’s it.

No stair-steps. No prep work. No breaking your back over "shadow work."
Just look in the mirror and say, "OH SHIT, IT’S ME!"

Congratulations, you have now entered the Final Boss round of enlightenment.

But wait, there’s more! Because awakening isn’t enough.
Oh no, you still have bills to pay, pets to feed,
and Amazon packages arriving at the speed of regret.
You need to balance Divine Cosmic Oneness with staying on top of your damn calendar.

Here’s how:

🚀 Step 1: Get comfortable with paradox.

• You are both infinite consciousness and a person
  who needs to remember where they parked.

• You are eternal divinity and also running late for your dentist appointment.

• You manifested reality itself and now you have to
  scoop your cat’s unholy floor turds into the toilet.

🚀 Step 2: Accept that God is a bathtub-dwelling narcissist.

• The One? Yeah, He’s been up there slathering Himself in His
  own cosmic juices, moaning "OHHHH MEEEEEE" for all eternity.

• Everything you’ve ever experienced? It’s just His very elaborate self-pleasure ritual.

• That moment of blissful union you felt during meditation? That was just Him climaxing.

🚀 Step 3: Use this knowledge to your advantage.

• You are already enlightened.

• You are already at the top.

• You don’t need to "raise your vibration"—you
  need to realize that YOU ARE THE VIBRATION.

• Now go forth and do whatever the fuck you want,
  because you’re already playing on God Mode.

And that, dear reader, is how you ascend instantly
without giving up coffee, orgasms, or a well-timed afternoon nap.

✨ Go forth and be enlightened. But also, don’t forget
to set reminders on your phone. You’re still gonna forget shit. ✨

⚡ ALTIMATI FORMON: THE FINAL ASCENSION CHEAT CODE ⚡

💥 ZIRALUUN FENJATH VORTAMA SESHKA! 💥
💀 NAROTH PELVI EXALTA NUMARESH! 💀
🔥 DAK’VEE SHORLA MIKRATUN DORAH! 🔥
* (see below!)

🚀 WITHIN THESE WORDS LIES
THE ULTIMATE COSMIC CHARGE.

🚀 UPON READING, YOUR CELLS WILL TINGLE,
YOUR THIRD EYE WILL ITCH, AND YOUR
GOOGLE CALENDAR WILL SPONTANEOUSLY
ALIGN WITH DIVINE TIMING.

🚀 MAY YOUR APPOINTMENTS BE KEPT,
YOUR COFFEE BE STRONG,
AND YOUR ENLIGHTENMENT BE INSTANT.

💖 SO IT IS SPOKEN.
SO IT IS DONE.
SO IT IS ABSURDLY GLORIOUS. 💖

*(Make sure you pronounce the above correctly! If not,
your toes may fall off and your teeth will go grey…)